{
  "author": {
    "name": "Dylan Fitzgerald",
    "url": "https://dylanfitzgerald.net/"
  },
  "blyg": "0.4",
  "changelog": [
    {
      "at": "2020-04-23T02:29:00Z",
      "note": "Imported from the Ctrl+Shift archive",
      "version": 1
    }
  ],
  "content_hash": "sha256:37401fcf57542e0421ffcca26e4c0d865c14ad7a54058cd2081a3f1667503215",
  "content_html": "\u003ch1\u003eI couldn\u0026#39;t not do it.\u003c/h1\u003e\n\u003cblockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWhen Trent Reznor submitted \u003cem\u003eThe Downward Spiral\u003c/em\u003e to Interscope Records cofounder Jimmy Iovine, he offered an apology. “Sorry,” Reznor remembered saying in a 2016 interview with Beats 1 host Zane Lowe. “I had to do it.”\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eApple Music liner notes to \u003cspan class=\"underline\"\u003eThe Downward Spiral\u003c/span\u003e\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003c/blockquote\u003e\n\u003c!--quoteend--\u003e\n\u003cblockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eIt was June 4, 1979, the first time I went on stage. I didn\u0026rsquo;t know I could do it but I knew I couldn\u0026rsquo;t not do it. I quit everything in my life and this was the one thing I couldn\u0026rsquo;t quit.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eGeorge Lopez\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003c/blockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eWe\u0026rsquo;ve all heard this from the heroes, the succeeding class, the Passionate People: that their work calls them, beckoning, that they literally cannot \u003cspan class=\"underline\"\u003enot\u003c/span\u003e do the work.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eThat\u0026hellip;that must be nice.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI am a grown man, a husband and father with a few career changes, more than a few grey hairs, and a list of responsibilities that grows by the hour. I am in the extraordinarily privileged position of being able to choose my work: having the expertise in a pretty broad set of fields, running my own tiny consulting firm with all remote clients, working with reasonably fresh technology to build new things.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eLet it be known that I am fully capable of \u003cspan class=\"underline\"\u003enot doing the work\u003c/span\u003e. The first week back at work after my wife was recovered-enough from Covid-19, I think I billed something like $400. And I played a lot of \u003cspan class=\"underline\"\u003eThe Witcher III\u003c/span\u003e (which is fabulously fun).\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI have a list of past and potential clients to follow up with, projects to kick off, essential skills to learn, marketing and outreach and everything involved in growing a small business. And I \u003cspan class=\"underline\"\u003elove\u003c/span\u003e it. It\u0026rsquo;s work that excites me. And\u0026ndash;again\u0026ndash;I am \u003cspan class=\"underline\"\u003efully\u003c/span\u003e capable of not doing it.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMessrs. Reznor and Lopez and so many others have a drive that I simply cannot relate to. My own truth was much better worded by the late Anthony Bourdain:\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cblockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI understand there\u0026rsquo;s a guy inside me who wants to lay in bed, smoke weed all day, and watch cartoons and old movies. My whole life is a series of stratagems to avoid, and outwit, that guy.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eAnthony Bourdain\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003c/blockquote\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eLet me be honest: being \u003cspan class=\"underline\"\u003ethat guy\u003c/span\u003e for just a day sounds \u003cstrong\u003efucking amazing\u003c/strong\u003e. The trouble, of course, is that it becomes a problem when it\u0026rsquo;s more than \u0026ldquo;just a day\u0026rdquo;.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eMy own strategems for self-care, -discipline, -productivity, what-have-you all fell on their face when I spent a few weeks on 24/7 (and I do mean \u003cstrong\u003e24\u003c/strong\u003e /7) childcare while scared shitless that my wife would die. And they don\u0026rsquo;t automatically come back. And then the second arrow strikes as I beat myself up for not getting done what I want accomplished.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eSo, where to from here? Still mid-pandemic, with mouths to feed and mental health to attend to. It\u0026rsquo;s starting here: with an unedited and rushed-out blog post to own that I\u0026rsquo;m running at half-capacity at best and that no one else will do shit about it. And it goes to what I know: to move anything, start by moving the body.\u003c/p\u003e\n\u003cp\u003eI have to run. Until my legs shake, until I\u0026rsquo;m scared my middle-aged knees will let go in mid-stride. I can\u0026rsquo;t not do it. Not because I \u003cstrong\u003ecan\u0026rsquo;t\u003c/strong\u003e not do it, but because I know what lies down the path of not doing it\u0026ndash;and that\u0026rsquo;s not living.\u003c/p\u003e\n",
  "content_md": "# I couldn't not do it.\n\n\u003e When Trent Reznor submitted _The Downward Spiral_ to Interscope Records cofounder Jimmy Iovine, he offered an apology. “Sorry,” Reznor remembered saying in a 2016 interview with Beats 1 host Zane Lowe. “I had to do it.”\n\u003e\n\u003e Apple Music liner notes to \u003cspan class=\"underline\"\u003eThe Downward Spiral\u003c/span\u003e\n\n\u003c!--quoteend--\u003e\n\n\u003e It was June 4, 1979, the first time I went on stage. I didn't know I could do it but I knew I couldn't not do it. I quit everything in my life and this was the one thing I couldn't quit.\n\u003e\n\u003e George Lopez\n\nWe've all heard this from the heroes, the succeeding class, the Passionate People: that their work calls them, beckoning, that they literally cannot \u003cspan class=\"underline\"\u003enot\u003c/span\u003e do the work.\n\nThat...that must be nice.\n\nI am a grown man, a husband and father with a few career changes, more than a few grey hairs, and a list of responsibilities that grows by the hour. I am in the extraordinarily privileged position of being able to choose my work: having the expertise in a pretty broad set of fields, running my own tiny consulting firm with all remote clients, working with reasonably fresh technology to build new things.\n\nLet it be known that I am fully capable of \u003cspan class=\"underline\"\u003enot doing the work\u003c/span\u003e. The first week back at work after my wife was recovered-enough from Covid-19, I think I billed something like $400. And I played a lot of \u003cspan class=\"underline\"\u003eThe Witcher III\u003c/span\u003e (which is fabulously fun).\n\nI have a list of past and potential clients to follow up with, projects to kick off, essential skills to learn, marketing and outreach and everything involved in growing a small business. And I \u003cspan class=\"underline\"\u003elove\u003c/span\u003e it. It's work that excites me. And--again--I am \u003cspan class=\"underline\"\u003efully\u003c/span\u003e capable of not doing it.\n\nMessrs. Reznor and Lopez and so many others have a drive that I simply cannot relate to. My own truth was much better worded by the late Anthony Bourdain:\n\n\u003e I understand there's a guy inside me who wants to lay in bed, smoke weed all day, and watch cartoons and old movies. My whole life is a series of stratagems to avoid, and outwit, that guy.\n\u003e\n\u003e Anthony Bourdain\n\nLet me be honest: being \u003cspan class=\"underline\"\u003ethat guy\u003c/span\u003e for just a day sounds **fucking amazing**. The trouble, of course, is that it becomes a problem when it's more than \"just a day\".\n\nMy own strategems for self-care, -discipline, -productivity, what-have-you all fell on their face when I spent a few weeks on 24/7 (and I do mean **24** /7) childcare while scared shitless that my wife would die. And they don't automatically come back. And then the second arrow strikes as I beat myself up for not getting done what I want accomplished.\n\nSo, where to from here? Still mid-pandemic, with mouths to feed and mental health to attend to. It's starting here: with an unedited and rushed-out blog post to own that I'm running at half-capacity at best and that no one else will do shit about it. And it goes to what I know: to move anything, start by moving the body.\n\nI have to run. Until my legs shake, until I'm scared my middle-aged knees will let go in mid-stride. I can't not do it. Not because I **can't** not do it, but because I know what lies down the path of not doing it--and that's not living.",
  "created": "2020-04-23T02:29:00Z",
  "id": "2ba31brpzjz06f8v3cxs013asz",
  "kind": "thread",
  "media": [],
  "origin": "https://dylanfitzgerald.net/blyg/",
  "page": "https://dylanfitzgerald.net/blog/couldnt_not_do_it/",
  "transclusions": [],
  "updated": "2020-04-23T02:29:00Z",
  "version": 1
}