Days gone by; days to come

Raising two kids under two while consulting remains nearly all-consuming. It’s easy to get caught up in the anticipation of agency: knowing that, as time passes, there will be some more sleep, some more ability to build my business rather than just get by, some more time to travel and connect with friends and family far-aflung. The plague year has only amplified this: a knowing that this will happen leading naturally to feeling a sense of desire.

It’s so easy to just live in that narrative: get through the day, and the next one will be easier. And, in a practical sense, that’s true. The days are getting easier. The nights do have more sleep.

But, like…why’s that matter? Why this focus on the easy and on the productive? Neither my wife nor I tend to sign up for easy; rather, we’re both interested in full. And full is definitely our lives right now: we may not be particularly mobile or adventurous, but for this short-lived moment, we’re utterly absorbed in early child-rearing.

There’s stumbles over words in sleeplessness, sure, and frustrations. There’s also so many joys: the clichéd ones of a growing child’s laughter, and, too, seeing them across time–how each day differs, how fast the learning comes, the limits tested, the bits of personality surfacing.

There’s a real risk of being so focused on “getting back” to “living” that I’d miss out on actually living this irreplaceable moment. The other times will come; this time will be gone. And I’m trying my damnedest to be here for it now.