Choosing between possiblities

I’m emerging from years of sleeplessness to revisit much of the thought and decision-making delayed by plague and circumstance, and consequently there’s a lot of parallel streams at once. Much of this is focusing on fundamentals:

I’ve for my entire living memory had a lingering sensation of holding back and being held back, both viscerally and intellectually, like there’s a better self and better life and more compelling story just outside my grasp. This is less a feeling of unfairness and more of unrealized potential. To what degree this is fantasy and to what degree this is self-fulfilling truth I am uncertain, but this points to some deep work to be done. It shows up a lot; I see it in my prior Now update, too. Most likely this will turn into Conversations With A Therapist, but my intent is to listen for possibility, whatever form that may take.

My habits of self-care and productivity took a hit months ago, and I chose to not try to rebuild them for a while because I found the fight to do so too discouraging. It feels now as though that’s crossed a threshold, where it feels worse not having access to some structure than it would to face inevitable setbacks. Or, more succinctly: build better habits, or just live like this forever. Your call!

I’m frequently ruminating on narrative and story and the human experience­not just story in the written fiction sense, but how we craft our perception of self and of living. The framing of this as writing is inevitable for me, as I’ve felt blocked for years (predating the kids) and am seeking to understand why. I want to get better at doing this deliberately, and as a craftsman­not to necessarily dominate a life story, but to see it more clearly and to help shape it. I want to live a good life, which seems to require having some idea what that looks like; I want to provide a good first few pages to my children, and the tools to do better than I ever could. This framing keeps showing up for me lately, in parenting, in my thoughts, in business, in my desires.

Or maybe that’s backwards, and I’m trying to shape something when I don’t know more specifically what I want. Who knows?

Away from the core internal-self stuff, from the outside, here’s what I’m conscious of projecting these days:

  • Thinking about the potential intersection of business consulting and SFBT. I want to build this practice­I’m utterly convinced there’s opportunity to make a big difference here, and just need to figure out the first step on the path.
  • Taking care of myself as being a prerequisite to being a good parent
  • A product I’ve wanted to build for years, and how to get good market validation and input before I put too much time and energy into it

Did that make your day a little better?

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